Boba Fett and the Holy Grail
by jaderaid
Summary: .:DISCONTINUED:.
1. Boba Fett Meets the Yuuzhan Vong

**A/N: Written by both Jade Rhade and the random-idiot. As you read this random-idiot has most likely finally gotten her own screenname. We will keep you updated. (If anyone cares)**

**Disclaimer: _random-idiot:_ Blah, blah, blah. I think that's good enough, don't you? _Jade:_ mad skills, girl!**

**We don't own the rights to 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail', though we do have it on DVD. We also do not own 'Star Wars', though we also have the DVDs.**

Chapter 1

-xXx-

The Emperor had a mission. A very special mission he couldn't trust to any of the stormtroopers. (They were rather clumsy and had a tendency to be stupid.) So he called in the one man he could trust to do the job right.

The poor bounty hunter had no idea what he was getting into.

"I want... the Holy Grail," the Emperor ordered.

Boba Fett had his arms crossed over his armored chest. "As you wish."

So Boba set off to find the Holy Grail. Did it bother him that the entire galaxy had at one time tried looking for it and failed? No, of course it didn't. He had sources of information that the rest of the galaxy didn't have.

For example, he knew it was supposed to be on The Mysterious Planet That Is So Secret Not Even Boba Fett Knows Its Name Because It Is Very Secret. He also knew exactly where it was on The Mysterious Planet That Is So Secret Not Even Boba Fett Knows It Is Name Because Its Very Secret. Well, not _exactly_, but close enough. It was in a country known as Ameritain, which was populated by a primitive people living in castles. So, Boba got in the _Slave I_ and blasted off from Coruscant.

Boba ran over the list of possible places the Grail could be. Because of the native population's tendency to view anyone flying around in spaceships as a god, he would have to hike on foot if he didn't want himself constantly swarmed by natives. (Imagine the fangirls!) The Holy Grail was rumored to be in one of two places: Castle Vaapad or the Cave with No Name.

Once he had landed on The Mysterious Planet That Is So Secret Not Even Boba Fett Knows Its Name Because It Is Very Secret, Boba engaged the _Slave I's_ cloaking device so no wandering native would stumble upon it by chance and end up activating the self-destruct. That would be bad.

Castle Vaapad was first on his list, and the closest.

-xXx- BOBA FETT MEETS THE YUUZHAN VONG –xXx-

Night had fallen by the time he had come upon a castle. _Castle Vaapad_, he assumed. Boba pounded on the door. "Open the damn door!" he shouted. "Is this Castle Vaapad?"

"Does it look like Castle Vaapad, you stupid rocket-man?" a voice with a strange accent yelled over the ramparts.

Boba moved back and looked up. "Then what castle is this?"

"None of your business, silly bounty hunter!"

"How do you know who I am? Are you native to this planet?"

"Of course not! We are Yuuzhan Vong! Why do you think I have this craaazy accent? Now get back in your abominable starship and fly away! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a Hutt, and your father smelt of bantha poodoo!"

Boba took out his rocket launcher and fired. "No one insults Jango Fett and lives," he said darkly as the Vong's corpse tumbled down and hit the ground with a wet thud. "If you do not tell me where Castle Vaapad is, I will take your castle by force!"

The Yuuzhan Vong who had taken the other's place at the top of the ramparts made a farting noise and creatively showed Fett that he thought the bounty hunter was number one.

Then Boba saw a sign by a path. The sign said: 'Idiot, Why Are You Talking to the Vong When Castle Vaapad Is This Way?' A giant arrow indicated the path through a forest. So, of course, Boba followed it.

-xXx- BOBA FETT MEETS THE JEDI KNIGHTS WHO SAY 'NI' –xXx-

And so, Boba Fett soon found himself walking through the mysterious forest searching for Castle Vaapad, when suddenl-"WAHHHHH!":...

**We interrupt this fanfic to bring you an important announcement. We are deeply saddened to report that while narrating this odd and extremely strange story, Jade Rhade was shot by the bounty hunter Boba Fett as he journeyed through the Forest of Spontaneous Bursts of Aggressive Insanity, because she was in his way. Boba Fett is still at large, and as we speak, we have our specially trained FBI agents tracking him down. Jade's friend, randomidiot, volunteered to continue narrating this story. We now continue this presentation of "Boba Fett and the Holy Grail".**

--When suddenly, he came upon a rather largish crowd of mysterious-looking people carrying glowing swords. Boba was not scared whatsoever, but nevertheless proceeded with great respect and caution.

"Who the hell are you?" he asked.

"We are the Jedi Knights Who Say 'Ni!'" answered one, who seemed to be their leader. He was dressed in black, and had a very fierce yet extremely sexy countenance (note that that last statement was from the view of the narrator, not Boba himself). "We are the Keepers of the Sacred Words. Ni...Peng...and Nee-Wom! Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!"

Boba remembered the scary bedtime stories Zam Wesell told him when he was a small boy about the Jedi Knights who say "Ni!". But of course, he was now a kick-ass bounty hunter, and didn't need to be afraid. "Get out of my way," he said.

There was a rousing clamor of "Ni!", "Peng!", and "Nee...Wom!" from the Jedi Knights. They were not pleased.

Boba added to the leader, "Also, aren't you a little short to be a Jedi?"

Many Jedi Knights gasped. "I..." the leader started in a dangerously low voice, "am not...SHORT!" The others Ni!-ed their agreement. "Ni!" "Ni!" "Nee-Wom!"

"Just for that," the leader continued, "the Jedi Knights Who Say 'Ni!' demand a sacrifice! You must obtain for us...a shrubbery!"

Normally Boba would refuse such an absurd request. But he was unsure of how he would fare in a fight with about 40 Jedi Knights.

"Okay, fine, whatever. I'll get you your shrubbery," he said.

"You must return here with a shrubbery or else...you shall not pass through this wood alive!" declared the Jedi.

So Boba Fett now had to get the Jedi Knights a shrubbery. _No harm in being careful_, he thought. If I die, the Emperor's not gonna get the Holy Grail. He can wait.

Can't he?

**Jade: well, review and let us know what you think!**

**random-idiot: you changed some things before you uploaded this, didn't you!**

**Jade: uhhh, who, me? I never!**


	2. The Constitutional Peasants

**A/N: We love reviews! We both thank you guys so much!**

**random-idiot has finally gotten her own screenname, random-idiot-v2. Check it out!**

Chapter 2

-xXx-

"I can't wait! I want my Holy Grail now!" The Emperor was throwing a childish tantrum.

"Perhaps we should search the planet, My Master," Vader suggested. "The bounty hunter has probably...died or something."

"You're right," Palpatine agreed.

So they rode a shuttle down to The Mysterious Planet That Is So Secret Not Even Boba Fett Knows Its Name Because It Is Very Secret. Palpatine took:

Many stormtroopers with names like Bob, Trevor, and George.

Darth Vader the Brave.

Admiral Piett the Pure.

Captain Needa the not-quite-as-pure-as-Admiral-Piett (who _nearly_ caught the Millennium Falcon and _nearly_ stood up to the vicious Ewok of Endor, who _nearly_ took command of the SSD _Lusankya_, and who _personally_ wet his pants delivering a report to Lord Vader).

And the aptly named Lieutenant Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfic.

They decided that the best way to find the Holy Grail would be to split up and search the planet.

-xXx- THE TALE OF EMPEROR PALPATINE -xXx-

Emperor Palpatine and a random bunch of stormtroopers were walking through the countryside when the Emperor saw a castle. Not a big-ass castle like Castle Vong or anything, but he figured it might be a good place to start looking for the Holy Grail.

"Old woman!" Palpatine called out to a person he saw nearby.

"Man," the person said, turning, and Palpatine saw that it was indeed a man.

"Man. I'm sorry," Palpatine said, without really being sorry. "Old man, what sort of person lives in that nice castle over there?"

"I'm only thirty-seven...I'm not old."

"Well," Palpatine was beginning to get irked, "I can't just say, 'Hey, man!'"

"What I object to is automatically being treated as an inferior..." the man continued without missing a beat.

"Well, I am the Emperor," Palpatine shrugged.

"Oh, that's very nice. Emperor, is it?" The man was very sarcastic. "I expect you've got a bunch of starships and planets and nice expensive food and such. And how'd you get it? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialistic, militaristic dogma, which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress..."

Another random person popped up, probably the wife of the psychotic liberal man. "Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here...Oh hello."

"Hello, my good lady," Palpatine decided to get an answer by being polite, so he could get away from Dennis and his lunacy. "I am Emperor Palpatine. Could you tell me who lives in that castle?"

"Emperor? Of what?" the woman demanded, ignoring his question.

"The Empire, of course!"

"Who's the Empire?"

"All of us," Palpatine was by now quite bewildered, and starting to get angry. "We are all citizens of the Empire, and I am your ruler, Emperor Palpatine!"

"I didn't vote for you," the woman interrupted.

"You don't vote for Emperors!" Palpatine snapped.

"Ha! I knew it! We're living in a dictatorship, a self-perpetuating autocracy, in which the working classes are exploited or forgotten!" Dennis exclaimed. "So, how'd you become Emperor?"

"Darth Plagueis(sp?) the Wise, having imparting to me the Secret of Eternal Life, told me that I was destined to become the galaxy's greatest Sith, and died. I then was free to pursue my dream of an absolute governing body, free of corruption, of scandal..." Palpatine was getting into his glories-of-the-Empire speech. He could have gone on forever, "...ruled by the almightily wise Sith, and free of the scheming Jedi..."

"-Look, the idea of ancient geezers telling fortunes is not a strong basis for a system of government..."

"Shut up!" Palpatine yelled, pissed at being interrupted.

"I mean, if I went around saying I was a sultan just because some elderly chap screamed, 'Conquer the world!' at me, they'd put me away..."

"Shut up!" Palpatine blasted Dennis with his Force Lightning. "Shut up! Shut up!"

Dennis writhed around a little, then gasped weakly, "There...there's the violence...inherent...in the system...Come see! ...He's repressing me!"

Palpatine looked around and saw a bunch of peasantsrunning towards them, waving pitchforks. He swore most foully, and instructed three of his stormtroopers to stay behind and slaughter them. Their names were Trevor, Michael, and Nicholas. FYI:Trevor liked cookies, Michael loved starships, and Nicholas was obsessed with swallows.

Then the Emperor rode out on his speeder bike.

-xXx-BOBA FETT MEETS ROGER THE SHRUBBER-xXx-

Meanwhile... Boba Fett was searching for a shrubbery to present to the Jedi Knights Who Say 'Ni!'. He was not having much luck.

"Do _you_ know where I can get a shrubbery? ...Do YOU know where I can get a shrubbery? ...Do _YOU_ know where I can get a shrubbery? ..."

No one seemed to know...or care...or be able to keep their wits about them long enough before collapsing and screaming, "Don't hurt meeeee!"

Eventually Boba was struck by the idea that maybe he should take his scary armor off...but decided not to. No one sees the face of Boba Fett and lives. Except all those random people on Kamino. And Geonosis. Not to mention Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Finally he saw a sign saying, "Shrubberies at low prices!" Boba made his way over to the shrubbery shop. All he had to do was pull out his blaster and gesture at the various shrubberies for sale before the shopkeeper (named Roger the Shrubber) fainted in terror, allowing Boba to grab a healthy-looking specimen and get out.

**COMING NEXT TIME WE UPDATE: The Tale of Darth Vader, The Tale of Boba Fett, Luke Skywalker, the FBI, and more!**


	3. Meet the Parents

**Jade: I'm starting high school tomorrow, so I don't know how frequent updates will be... random-idiotv2 doesn't start for another week, so hopefully she'll keep writing.**

**I wrote all this chapter except the first line, not randomidiot, so I hope it's funny!**

Chapter 3

-xXx- THE TALE OF DARTH VADER -xXx-

Darth Vader was stalking around at random, feeling pretty kick-butt, when he came upon a huge...three-headed...slimy...Hutt!

But then again, if one were to look at the branch above the middle Hutt's head, one would notice the stunning beauty inherent in the Ameritainian swallow. Or one could watch Darth Vader against the Hutt. Your choice.

Darth Vader stopped and stared in revulsion at the three heads arguing with each other.

"You smell!" the head on the left complained.

"Do not!" answered the head on the right.

"Yeah, well you're not next to him!" the middle head told the left head.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Right demanded.

"You snore!" Middle answered.

"Do not!"

Vader's breathing echoed from the trees around him.

"Eh, wot do you want?" Left demanded. The other two heads watched curiously.

"I am Darth Vader."

"He sounds like James Earl Jones. Shall we eat him?" Right requested quite politely.

"No, I say let's be nice to him." Left answered.

"Well, I'm hungry."

"How about, we eat him first," Middle suggested. "Then go find some slimy things to eat."

"That's a good idea. Who gets to kill him?"

"I want to kill him!"

"No, me!"

"Well, if you get to kill him, I get first bite."

Lord Vader was beginning to get quite furious with the Hutt debating on how to kill him. "Prepare to feel my wrath," he hissed. He prepared to use the Force to choke all three heads, but- "AH! GAAK-AHH!"

"Hmm. Fascinating." A Force-ghost of a red Twi'lek/Nietzschean female appeared. "The Force seems to be _bouncing off_ the Hutt's fat!"

"GHAAAK!"

"And it appears to be choking random-idiot. Amazing. I suppose that I, Jade Rhade must begin to narrate this fanfiction again until the random-idiot recovers. Never fear, she shall recover." The Force-ghost disappeared.

Darth Vader realized that the Force was not working the way it was intended to and stopped. He turned around and began to stalk back the way he had come, black cape swirling behind him.

The Force-ghost of an old man with a white beard appeared. "Hello, Anakin."

"Obi-Wan. I killed you."

"I wrote a song about you just now. Would you like to hear it?"

"No."

Obi-Wan ignored him and began to sing. "Brave, brave Darth Vader/ was not at all afraid/ He bravely gave up/ killing the Hutt/ and bravely ran away."

"I did not."

"... bravely ran away/ bravely ran away/ O Great Lord Vader/ bravely ran away/ HEY!

"Shut up."

"He was not at all afraid to die in nasty ways/ He was not at all afraid/ O Brave Darth Vader! He couldn't choke the Hutt/ and bravely ran away!

"Quiet, old man."

"... bravely ran away/ bravely ran away/ O Great Lord Vader/ bravely ran away/ HEY!"

"I didn't!"

-xXx- THE TALE OF BOBA FETT–xXx-

"Take your shrubbery," Boba ordered, plopping down the plant in front of the Jedi.

"The Jedi Knights who say 'Ni!' are pleased," the leader said.

"Do you have a Jedi known as Mace Windu among you?" Boba asked, cradling his blaster. _I shall avenge my father._

"We do," the leader answered.

A tall, dark-skinned man with a shaved head and a purple lightsaber stepped forward. "I am Mace Windu."

Boba shot him.

Windu tumbled back, robes smoking, and died.

"Ni!" "Ni!" "Peng!" came a dozen cries. "Nee-WOM!"

The leader looked at Boba. "For that, the Jedi Knights who say 'Ni!' have... a challenge!"

Boba stood with his arms crossed.

The leader waved his hand, and two Jedi pulled forth on a rickety wooden cart, a giant, obsidian statue of a Jedi. "You must cut this statue to pieces using only... A LIGHTSABER!"

"But that's easy."

"Not when the statue is made of lightsaber-resistant... CORTOSIS ORE!"

Boba growled. To comply with the Knights' request, he could be here forever. He didn't know how they were able to build a statue out of the stuff when it was so weak. It was next to impossible to build with it; its only use was against lightsabers. _Weak_. Boba grinned inside his helmet. "Very well. I agree to your challenge."

The leader handed him a lightsaber, and Boba approached the statue. He ignited the saber and tried to stab deep into it. As predicted, the ore caused the blade to short out, flicker, and die without leaving so much as a gouge.

The bounty hunter dropped the lightsaber to the ground, causing the Jedi to gasp. He wiggled his fingers, drew his gloved hand back and formed it into a fist.

_WHAM!_ He delivered one strong, solid punch to the torso of the statue, and it crumbled to the ground.

"Peng!" "Ni!" "Nee-wom!"

"You cheated!" the leader protested.

"I don't know what kind of self-respecting Jedi would do such stupid test," Boba said. "I mean, the Sith would do-"

The Jedi gasped. "Don't say the word!"

Boba groaned. "Holy _Sith_, I'm surrounded by idiots!"

"AHHH!" "NEE-WOM!"

Boba smirked with understanding. "Sith."

"AHHHH!"

"Sith."

"No! Never! Ni!"

Darth Vader, still being followed by the Force-ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi, entered the clearing. "Bounty hunter. We thought you were dead."

"Ni!"

"Be quiet! I am Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith!" Vader shouted at the Jedi.

"AHHH!"

Vader frowned.

"They don't like the word 'Sith', sir," Boba told him respectfully.

"AHHHH!"

"Let's get out of here, Fett," Vader told the bounty hunter.

"No, Father! There's still good in you!"

"Luke?" Vader looked more closely at the leader, pulling off the hood.

Yes, it was Luke Skywalker, with sandy blonde hair and blue eyes.

"Lucas _Indiana _Skywalker, what are you doing among such filth?"

"My middle name is Indiana?" Luke looked awed.

"Yes, your middle name is Indiana!"

"My middle name is Benjamin," Obi-Wan offered, oblivious to the fact no one was listening.

"This is your mother's fault, sending you to be in some Jedi-cult!" Lord Vader was _furious_. He grabbed Luke by the ear and started dragging him along.

"Ow! _Ni!_ Let go!"

"You are not to say any of those _Jedi words_ in my presence, son," Vader said sharply. "Or I'll have Fett here stun you."

Boba, respectfully walking a stride behind the Dark Lord, looked at young Skywalker dispassionately.

And so Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker joined the quest for the Holy Grail.

-xXx- THE TALE OF THE FBI –xXx-

"I'm telling you, it was a man in armor! He killed her in a burst of light!" A woman gestured wildly as a policeman pulled her towards the car.

"The victim appears to be female, middle-aged, hairless," a red-haired woman crouched on the ground next to the body of former narrator Jade Rhade. "There are three sharp, bony protrusions on both forearms, and two fleshly tails extending from the back of the head. The only witness seems to be a young woman who gave her name only as 'KC'."

"Hey, Scully, what do you think about the skin color?" a dark-haired man asked.

"I don't know, Mulder." Special Agent Dana Scully scraped her thumbnail down one red arm. "It's not paint. Perhaps she ingested something to cause her skin to be this color?"

"Hey, dude," Agent Fox Mulder stopped one of the policemen walking by. "Do you have a camera phone?"

"Yeah."

"Let me borrow it."

The cop shrugged. "Sure, whatever."

"Mulder, what are you doing?" Scully stood up, stripping off the rubber gloves she wore.

"Just work with me here." Mulder used the cell phone to take a picture of Jade Rhade's body, then dialed a number. "Hey, Frohike? Is Langly there? Yeah, I'm sending you guys a picture, can you identify it? Thanks, bye."

"Mulder, what was that all about?"

"_Star Wars_, Scully. I have a feeling that a high-powered blaster killed our victim."

"Oh please," Scully rolled her eyes.

Mulder's cell phone rang. "Mulder."

"Mulder, it's Langly. Is this some kind of hoax?"

"No, why?"

"The picture you sent me, it's of a Twi'lek."

"A _what_?"

"A Twi'lek. It's a _Star Wars_ alien."

Mulder gave Scully an 'I-told-you-so' look.

Scully took the phone. "Langly, that's not possible. _Star Wars_ is a made-up universe."

"Oh, I agree, but I bet if you run tests on that woman, you're going to find out that she's not human. And the bone blades?"

"The what?" Scully frowned.

"The bones sticking out from the arms. They're bone blades, definitely Nietzschean."

Scully hung up. "You've _got_ to be kidding me."

And so the FBI issued a warrant for an armored man's arrest, sending Mulder and Scully investigating the murder of Jade Rhade, the half-Nietzschean, half-Twi'lek woman.


End file.
